Why You Should Give A Damn!

Newsletter Archive

Newsletter #20, September, 2007

Why You Should Give A Damn About YOUR Gay Marriage

by Davina Kotulski, Ph.D.

A funny thing happened to the new MEUSA brochures on the way to the printer. Somehow, a letter E was omitted from the final printing creating a new mission for MEUSA that of Marriage Quality. Some might have thought it a huge costly blooper, but I was totally amused and if I dare say- pleased. While fighting for marriage equality for almost a decade I have also sporadically taught courses on marital and couples therapy, but the main thrust of my energy has, until recently, been on securing equality, rather than quality. Lately, however, my goals have shifted.

After I stepped down from Executive Director of MEUSA I had time to focus on my marriage and its quality, something that was long overdue. It is important when you are advocating for marriage equality that you not forget to nurture your own marriage and to rank marriage quality as high or higher than, marriage equality. Marriage activism should not take the place of having a marriage. After all, we don’t want to take for granted, neglect, or miss out on the joys of our own marriage and partnership which would make finally securing equal rights too costly in the end.

Seeking balance between equality and quality lead me to John Gottman’s Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I*d like to share some of the tips that I found extremely useful and I hope you will too!

Five Positives to One Negative It’s important that couples have five positive interactions to each negative one. So, make sure that you are as committed to making your partner feel good as you are to educating people about why we need equality. Do little things every day that let your partner know why you want to marry them when it’s finally legal. As you send out e-mails about breaking marriage equality news, drop your sweetie a love line. Stay connected.

Avoid the Four Horsemen Gottman says that we must watch out for four things that can devastate our marriages:

1.Criticism -defined as an attack on your partner is different from a complaint which involves expressing a concern about a behavior. Criticism- You are lazy! Complaint- It upsets me that you do not do more to help out with housework.

2. Contempt -Sarcasm, name calling, eye rolling, mockery things that show at best a lack of respect for your partner and at worst disgust.

3. Defensiveness-Getting angry at your partner for bringing up concerns. According to Gottman defensiveness helps nothing, it simply escalates problems.

4. Stonewalling -ignoring or tuning the other person out. Not listening to their concerns.

Finding Your Style Are you a validator, a volatile, or a conflict avoider? Are you and your partner matched? If you are matched, where are your blindspots as a couple? Finding out your communication styles can have a huge impact on your relationship. Invest in quality!

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